Starting Over & Over Again
We all find reasons to start over again: the beginning of a new year, our birthdays, starting a new job or another semester, or maybe just the sun rising on a new day.
This week marks 4 months of unemployment. My role was found redundant, and half the team I worked with for about 3.5 years was laid off. That’s 4 months of stressful job searching and resume editing, extreme mental and emotional lows, loneliness, isolation, worrying how I would pay rent and bills…. I’m on the brink of losing my independence and everything I worked hard to maintain the last nearly 4 years. Because of the way I was let go, unemployment was denied, even after appealing it. My ex-boyfriend, who had a STEM degree, advanced quickly in his company, and was making double my salary, lost his job too. That’s how I knew things were going south in the job market. He’s been out of work about 3 months now.
I applied to hundreds of jobs on popular resume sites, some turning out to be scams I luckily dodged. I walked downtown in the town I grew up, handing out resume after resume. I attended 3 job fairs in a week. I went to the American Job Center to restructure my resume. I set my status to Open for Work on LinkedIn and posted that I was looking for work. I asked friends and relatives for help making the right connections without any luck. A lot of companies near me are either in hiring freezes or are laying hundreds of people off.
A couple weeks ago, I completed a series of interviews and paperwork and was provided a start date at a local financial institution. I would’ve made closer to what I was making at my last role. Less than 2 days before I was supposed to start, the rug was pulled out from under me. I was getting ready to head out to purchase new clothes to meet their business professional dress code when I got a call from the recruiter. The job offer was rescinded due to no fault of my own. Out of desperation, someone had gone behind the HR department’s back and set up interviews through the temp agency without permission, so I was taken out of consideration and the position put on hold. As I stirred my boiling pasta, I tried to keep my voice from cracking as my eyes welled up with tears at the recruiter’s frantic apologies. She asked me to complete the paid state harassment training anyway so that it would be one less step once she found another role for me. After taking a few hours to feel everything, I did just that. It wasn’t much, but it would pay for a tank of gas or a bag of groceries.
The machinists at the international airplane manufacturing company went on strike 24/7 down the road from me. I can still hear the car horns beeping in support in the middle of the night.
Over the course of the last week or so, I had 3 interviews. Two of them went extremely well, and I was offered both roles. One was for a part-time role about an hour away with a non-profit: something that would’ve made my heart happy but my wallet empty. The other was a full-time data entry role very close to my home. Both were offering $9.25/hour less than my previous role, but it was the highest I’d been truly offered. While I know I’m worth more than what I’m being offered, turning down a role for that reason when you’re about to lose your home is not a smart move. So I completed the background check request and signed the offer letter and onboarding paperwork.
Then on Saturday, I took my cat to the vet for what I thought would be a 30-minute annual check-up and vaccination. 5 hours of barely any communication, a few x-rays, and nearly $1,000 borrowed later, they found out that she had an infection and some obstructive fecal matter in her intestines. My anxiety? Through. The. Roof. This 8-year-old fuzz ball gets me out of bed every day. What do you mean there’s something wrong with her?! I give her everything recommended, especially since I know she has FIV. But sometimes, these things happen, and with 3 medications, she’ll be okay in time.
Sunday, I turned 31. I spent time with my parents, without whom I absolutely would’ve lost my mind these last few months. They made a surf and turf dinner that my GERD-destroyed, lactose-intolerant stomach only let me savor for about 10 minutes before the insufferable coughing started. Still was worth it! My mom and I took one of her puppies for a walk to settle my stomach and get some fresh air. It was a gorgeous night out after a week of incessant rain. I took the reprieve for what it was.
Tuesday, I realized my mental health had slid. I looked around my absolute tornado of an apartment. Months of paperwork stacked on my dining table, dishes toppling over in the sink, weeks of neglected laundry glaring at me from overflowing baskets…. I need a real reset. I deserve that. I’ve put in the work to get a fresh start financially, so why sabotage myself more than is needed? After my drug test, I made time to go to the local clinic and do a mental health intake and finally get back to therapy after a terrible experience in person led to years of bad online appointments. I was asked to come back Friday morning for an orientation.
Thursday, I went to see my doctor after my safe foods for GERD have now turned against me. We did an allergy blood test, and I should have the results on Monday so we can fix my diet and I can save money by meal prepping again. I finally ran out of certain household items I bought in bulk 4 years ago, so I’m fully restocked and ready to eat real meals again once we know where we’re going. I’m also on medication for the nausea.
Friday, I finally got word: my drug test was clean, I passed the background, and I’ll be starting my new role on this Wednesday! No additional shopping needed. The office is near a beautiful park, so on nice summer days, I can take a stroll after work on the water.
After my orientation, I have to wait a few more weeks, but there’s a therapy appointment on the books now! It’s close to work, so I won’t need to worry too much about scheduling future appointments. I’ll be able to have the support I didn’t realize I badly needed. When most of your support system is hours away in other states, they do what they can to help and listen, but nothing beats seeing someone in person.
Today? I have someone coming to body-double with me so I can get my apartment straightened out and have less to worry about while I fix my sleep schedule. I’m trying to give myself a fair shot at structure, something I haven’t been good at since I graduated grad school over 5 years ago.
Every single day the last 4 months has felt like a never-ending streak of boredom, worry, and loneliness. As an introvert, you’d think I’d love the time alone to recharge after YEARS of burnout, watching movies and reading books and listening to podcasts in between endless job applications. But with my depression and ADHD, the less structure and time out of the house I have, it seems I have no desire to do much to take care of myself in the ways that would benefit me the most.
While I definitely didn’t love destroying all of my hard-earned savings, this time was definitely a time of reflection on what I really want, what’s doable with the resources, energy, and time I have at my disposal, and how fortunate I am to have the support system I have. My good friend has called nearly every day to make sure I didn’t fall entirely into a pit of despair. My mom made sure I left the house at least once every couple of weeks to get some fresh air. My grandfather empathized with my situation, telling me that he’d been through it many times while raising 5 kids with my grandmother. He tells me often, “You do what you have to do, and that’s it!” While it might sound dismissive, what he really means is “Whatever it is you have to do, it’ll bring you where you need to be. You don’t have to like it, but you do need to take action and be responsible for yourself.” It’s something I carry with me as a mantra whenever I’m feeling stuck or overwhelmed.
After a conversation with my partner last night, I realized that I’ve been putting off writing this blog because I worried I wouldn’t have anything profound or useful to say. He’s constantly writing and reading, doing things I once loved before burnout stole it from me. So here I am, starting over on yet another thing in my life. I’m back to Square One on most of my life. The next 6 months are not going to be easy financially or emotionally, but at least I can start every day knowing I did what I could to take care of myself.
There’s this quote from a book I once picked up from a library during grad school. I flipped to the last page, as many people do, of James Herriot’s All Things Bright and Beautiful: “I wish I had known then that it was not the end of everything. I wish I had known that it was only the beginning.” Losing my job wasn’t the end of the world, as painful as it was and still is. It’s an opportunity to clear out the cobwebs and focus on what’s really important.
